Tod Slaughter's

Tod Slaughter's

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Dream Girl

Here's a brand new one, a classic tale of a boy and a girl. - T.S.
                I’m not very good with girls. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I’m terrible with girls. My whole life it’s been that way. Just my luck that the first one I really hit it off with gets me fired, too.
                And I don’t know what to tell mother either. I mean, I just got this job. She said it would be a disaster, and was she ever right. She can be pretty overbearing, but I have to give her that. She’s always right. Mother knows best.
                But we were talking about the girl, not mother, right? You should have seen her. Linda was her name. It comes from Germany (I looked it up) and it means “soft” or “tender”. Linda was both of those for sure.
                She was perfect. I remember the first time I saw her. She came in where I work and I was really excited, but I made sure not to show it. That’s what they say in the movies, you know. Be cool. Play hard to get, whatever that means. I’m sure I made a mess of it, but she didn’t seem to mind. First day on the job and here comes this beautiful creature. It was a little much for a guy like me, not being used to these sorts of things and all, but at least she didn’t run off. Linda wasn’t like all those other girls, and in the end, I guess that was part of the problem. She wasn’t like them at all.
                One thing I liked about the new job, it was always really quiet. Linda didn’t seem inclined to leave right away, so we had the place to ourselves, just me and her. We talked for a while. Really, I talked for a while, and I opened right up. I’ve never talked to a girl like that before. I mean, I told her everything. We talked about work and mother and I even told her that I’d never … well, you know.
                And that’s what was so great about her. She didn’t mind any of it. She had these eyes you could get lost in, and after looking in them for a quiet moment, I decided to go for it. I reached out and put my hand on hers. I was holding a girl’s hand! She let me, too. She didn’t jump back or anything.
                Like they say, one thing leads to another. I’ve seen enough movies to know how it works. You kind of caress the hand a little, look her in the eye, smile a little half-smile, and lean in for it. Imagine my surprise when my lips actually touched hers! First job, first kiss … I was really moving up in the world. If only mother could see me … well, on second thought, that’s not such a great idea. Mother can be kind of Victorian if you know what I mean.
                She had the perfect lips. Linda, I mean, not mother. We kissed for a minute and then I tried the tongue thing. I don’t know if I did it right, but it sure did feel good. I even eased a hand up onto her … breast. There’s not a real good word for that. She didn’t seem to mind, but I had a little problem. Well, not that little. A problem down below, if you catch my drift. I didn’t know if I was supposed to unzip my pants or wait for her to do it or what, but after all that kissing I was about ready to explode. I got them off a lot quicker than you see in the movies and then I kind of moved in on top of her.
                I wasn’t really planning on all of this, and I kind of forgot to lock the door. I mean, it was actually happening! The thing I thought I’d only ever dream about. And who should come through the door but Mr. Lee himself. He’s my boss, the funeral director. He yelled something and charged over to the table, snatching me off of my Linda. He called me all sorts of names, kicking and punching all the while. And Linda never even said a word. 

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